The day I got home was the day I lost everything. Nothing left except for blood stains and unfortunate, innocent lives. Why did this happen? They didn’t deserve this. It wasn’t them who made the deal.
Staring in horror, I fell to my knees in shock and grief. Why? Why did this happen to them? Is all that’s going on in my brain. I can’t understand. I didn’t realize I started crying until my tears hit my leg. I don’t know how long I was crying until I felt gentle hands pick me up. Without bothering to look at the person who did, I look at the people who are taking away my family’s bodies. My little sister, whose face would light up anyone’s day. My mom, who would always take me to quiet lookouts when I was having a bad day. My dad, who would always help me with my car or even with homework.
I’ll never be able to experience that again. Ever.
That is an image I can never get out of my head. Even with my intense training, and my drill sergeant screaming at me to pull my weight, I can’t get it out of my head. I groan as he pushes my limits on the pull up bar. I guess this is what I get when I show up to breakfast a few minutes late. I know not to do that again.
“Senior Airman, Moore! Are you a Soldier!” He screams at me. This is the one question that I struggle with. Am I a soldier or am I just a person that was forced to be enlisted for my own safety? That question lingers in my mind before I force myself to reply “Sir, I am a soldier, Sir!”, with forced confidence. My words may be believable but I know I don’t believe myself. It sucks but I can’t break. Not here. Not anywhere. It’s something I have to get used to. Although I should’ve been used to it 3 years ago. It’s been 6 years in total since my family’s murder. “Then act like it!” My sergeant yells. Sighing with exertion makes me lose my grip but I quickly regain it as I do my last pull up. My sergeant nods and then dismisses me.
I sigh with relief as I grab my stuff and head to the barracks. Luckily, no one is in there. Sighing with relief I sit on the bed and take a swig of my water. My mind rushes again with the images, I shake my head to clear my mind. Tears threaten to appear but I quickly regain myself and ignore them. I refuse to let my emotions show.
I swear I hear my name being called, but I’m too lost in my own thoughts. I zone out completely without realizing. That’s until I feel gentle hands on my shoulders. I look up blankly to see Airman Lawrence looking at me with her gentle eyes. She’s kind of like the mother in this unit. Always worrying about people, even if she doesn’t know them. But me? She’s known me since birth. We both enlisted at the same time. She didn’t want me to fend for myself. Plus she’s the only one that knows my history. “Hm?” I finally managed to say. The image slowly disappears. “What’s going on sweet girl?” Lawrence asks with that very soft voice she uses, like she’s talking to an injured animal. “Everything…” I say softly.
She hugs me tightly. She’s the only person I allow to actually touch me. I cling onto her slightly. A few minutes later we let go and she guides me to the chow hall. As I’m following her I finally lift my head up before we walk in. Not wanting people to see that I have low confidence.
Everyone that I know says hi before disappearing back to the table they were sitting at. My gaze wonders the room until it lands on Captain Harris. God, he’s like a model. But a more muscular and taller version. If I were to guess, he probably stands at like six foot and seven inches. I don’t know how that man is single. Basically ever other woman drools over him. Me included. And yet? He stays single.
My heart starts pounding and I just ignore it by getting food and talking to Lawrence. We sit down at a somewhat quiet table. Looking around nervously, I end up seeing a few officers looking me. I look away, hoping they will leave me alone. Me and Lawrence.
Later that day, we were in the fitness center. I was jogging on the treadmill, clearly lost in thought. I was so focused on jogging that I didn’t realize the people surrounding me. As I looked around I became so nervous that I started sweating. That’s when I realized that I was going 28 mph on the treadmill. I immediately stop in my tracks, then slowly turn around. That’s when I see Harris staring at me.
